Hurry up and wait..

For those of you who have not been informed, my grandmother had a massive heart attack Saturday afternoon. She is currently in ICU at IRMAC. And I am currently doing what I do best...nothing. I am sitting here in the ICU waiting room, not because I can do anything for her, but because its the only thing that I can do. Like anyone, a situation such as this makes one feel utterly useless. Its a cold hard slap in the face for everyone who wants to help but the fact is that no one short of God above can. It's a slow, miserable, anxiety attack really. So here I sit in all my glory or lack thereof. Just me and my thoughts and my borrowed laptop. Minus the large portion of me that feels like I may have my own heart attack, I have many thoughts. And much like the routine here in the ICU, my thoughts are measured in small fractions of time. I have had thoughts from guilt to peace, sadness to happiness and everything in between. My guilt comes from being me. My nature is to be selfish. I want what I want and I make the assumption that everyone else wants what I want; they just may not know it!! I did not say I was proud of it, nor that I've become accustom to it, I hate it and its a daily struggle that I fight. I don't have any regrets when it comes to my relationship with my grandmother only the guilt of selfishness that I want things be my way. I want our relationship to continue for the rest of my life and that it be as it was before all of the changes. The changes that took place are simply that, changes. I am starting to realize that like life in general....nothing ever stays the same. Time is inevitable and with time comes change. I am starting to realize that as important our decisions are in this life, there is little we can do about change. Our decisions are really what we decide to do about the changes we each face. We can't control it, but we all have the capability to manage it. So it is that we must muster enough courage to accept the things we can not change. We can choose to accept them for what they are and somehow adjust to them, or we can fight them. The problem with fighting them I am begining to learn is that we will never win. We will only be tired and all to often, wounded. So the question we must ask ourselves is not "is it worth the battle?" because its a one-sided battle, there is always 1 winner and it is always the same one. The real question in all of it's ugliness and scaryness (at least to me) is really a challenge "what CAN I do?" Instead of fighting it and loosing a loosing battle...we must ask ourselves "how can I accept this AND find a way to be truly happy with it?" The fact is: there is a way. There is always a way. As much as I despise it, it comes down to the fact that it is more of a question of our own courage and sacrifice. It is the hardest answer to find. It is not even a question of "How bad do I want it?" but rather, " What am I willing to do to get it?" My grandmother who sits paces from me fighting for life (currently doing a great job at it) I am sure is asking herself the very same question. She is also the one whose lips often repeated the following words to me, "it may take hell and high water" . (Yes, this phrase most likely started out "hail and high water" but she has a way of spicing things up). She has used those words on may occasions referring to many different things, but I find it is fitting for exactly what I am trying to say. It just may take HELL and high water to bring myself to adjust to the changes that have taken place in many areas of my life, but unless I want to be tired and wounded, I better get moving. I've got fire and flames and storms to weather.